Think you can handle Saturday’s Miss Universe 2013 pageant sober? Think you can earnestly nod in agreement with the contestants’ thought-provoking commentary on the important issues such as opposite marriage and such as, and laying your un-beer goggled eyes upon Donald Trump dressed as the most terrifying Santa you’ve ever seen and such as?
Well guess what? You CAN’T. So here is a list of guidelines to assist with getting you through the pageant world’s biggest and blingiest event, held in Moscow on Saturday November 7th. What are you waiting for? Invite your friends! Pour some shots! But none for Edward Snowden. Bye.
Take a sip:
1. Every time someone says “world peace.”
2. Every time someone cries.
3. Every time Miss USA appears on screen.
Take a gulp:
1. Every time someone says “opposite marriage”.
2. Every time a host awkwardly smiles throughout the duration of a contestant’s answer and you know they want to go backstage and cry-laugh.
3. Every time you can tell a host is getting distracted by a contestant’s décolletage/crotch.
4. Every time Miss USA dresses as a Transformer.
Take a shot if the camera pans onto a contestant’s bikini-clad body and awkwardly hovers too long over the crotch region.
Take two shots if the camera pans, for no apparent reason, onto a strangely placed product owned by Donald Trump.
Take three shots when you see Donald Trump’s face on screen. Throw the empty shot glasses at the television set/your laptop if he’s wearing any sort of childhood-destroying festive costume.
Down a beer and buy a plane ticket to Arkansas every time a contestant a) yodels or b) does ventriloquy. Adopt-A-Highway there if these things happen simultaneously to the tune of I Wanna Be a Cowboy Sweetheart.
Down a foreign beer and cut a small corner off your passport every time your fellow countrymen are referred to as “U.S. Americans“.
Down an entire bottle of champagne if you witness a crown fail of such amazingly epic proportions as this one:
Transgender Miss Universe Contestant Gets Her Own Reality Series
Then vs. Now: The Slow Disintegration of the Bikini at Miss USA
WATCH: Nicole Richie Battles Six-Year-Olds For a Plastic Crown