It’s a sad day in New York City: a playground for grownups with intimacy issues. This week, Governor Andrew Cuomo outlawed taking photos with large cats. According to the New York Times:
“Wildlife advocates say the interactions are dangerous for humans and the animals. They say the cats are often taken from their parents as cubs, mistreated and then neglected when they grow up.
Queens Sen. Tony Avella says he hadn’t heard of tiger selfies when he sponsored the bill. He says people have been harmed while posing with big cats.”
TLDR; Tinder tiger selfies are now illegal and dudes need a new gimmick prop to earn the elusive right-swipe. Some ideas for new attention-grabbers to pose with, from our hearts, to your fingertips:
1. The framed certificate from coming in second place at your middle school spelling bee.
It shows you know the difference between there, their, and they’re without you telling it.
2. A vacuum cleaner.
It communicates that you aren’t a child and probably aren’t super susceptible to mancolds, which makes you, literally, the perfect hookup.
3. A discman.
It communicates the same thing a flowerbeard would but with more charm.
4. One of those “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” fake mounted gamefish.
It communicates that you respect all forms of life but aren’t too staunch in your convictions and still have a sense of humor. Like vegans who are okay with leather.
5. A photo of you dressed as Rosie the Riveter and wearing a ballgag.
BECAUSE MISANDRY IS FUNNY, DAMMIT. (Also, because we’ll actually believe that you’re a #notallmen feminist kinda guy who listens instead of speaks.)