It’s official: Uggs, the ugliest boots in existence that make grown women look like sloppy toddlers will give you foot fungus. Yeah, yeah, yeah, “They’re so comfortable! And cute! I wear them everyday!” Comfortable? Maybe. Until you start itching. Cute? I don’t know -– the dark, damp environment that is the perfect breeding ground for fungus that can burrow under your toenails? Oh, that’s just adorable, if you think gross things are adorable. And wearing them everyday gives them more time to breed fungus while you’re wearing them. Science wins, trend slaves.
And anti-trend slaves? Don’t try to act all cool about Uggs. You know who you are. “Oh, I was wearing them when only surfers wore them, before Britney Spears got her grubby little hands on them.” Guess what? They were stupid-looking then, too. Don’t get all Patton Oswalt on everyone over the dumbest looking boots in the universe.
Of course, technically, shoes in general can invite a dark, damp environment, the wool lining of Uggs might actually absorb the sweat that causes fungus, and the occurrence of foot fungus hasn’t increased since Uggs were thrust upon us all and took the streets. And my beloved Converse sneakers are probably prone to all the same problems. But you know what? Uggs are uglier. So, it’s your choice: Get foot fungus while wearing Uggs or a better-looking shoe. I don’t know about all y’all, but from this day forth, when I see Uggs, I’m gonna think foot fungus. Forever.
You’re next, Crocs.