It might be freezing point in New York City, but you can guarantee steaminess inside the Lexington Armory tonight when the 2013 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show kicks off. Other things you can guarantee are impossibly ripped abs, inexplicably fugly outfits and a spangly bra that costs the equivalent of all these things: A ginormous vacation home in Thailand, the Missouri senator’s 2010 campaign, or 100 seconds of Superbowl advertising.
Besides that, each year brings a different craaazy whirlwind of
boobs a show that not even Susan Miller could predict, but we’re trying our hand prophesy. Tune in tonight and see if our below predictions morph into heavily sequined actuality.
What’s a good lingerie runway show without some good ol’ cultural stereotyping? Last year’s show was Christmas come early for racism fans, featuring not only Karlie Kloss in a Native American headdress but also Hilary Rhoda in a leprechaun outfit from the sexy part of Urban Outfitters racism collection. Seeing as this year’s racism flavor du jour is Mexican, we’re expecting some full-on Goya Princess regalia.
2. A model who has given birth to another human within the last 12 months and who still looks like a CGI.
In the past Adriana Lima and Miranda Kerr have both made infamous appearances on the Victoria’s Secret runway with the sole purpose of making you feel incredibly lazy, while Alessandra Abrosio walked while a human was still inside of her. Lara Stone had a baby in May, and while six months is half a year, it would still be a sufficiently small amount of time to make you feel shit if she appeared on the runway.
3. Music! We know Fall Out Boy and Taylor Swift are performing, but what else will we be tapping our feet to other than the sound of spangling sequins and stripper heels? Our bets would be on Lorde, but since that would be so gross, we’ll have to settle for the cover version by other confirmed backing trackers Neon Jungle.
5. An outfit that has baffling powers of being able to travel back in time and destroy elements of your childhood. Why is Peter Pan?..
6. An unexpected designer collaboration.
Last year we were surprised to find that none other than Ed Hardy had teamed up with the lingerie powerhouse on a thing that was modeled by the ever-obliging Liu Wen.
7. An awkward attempt to make near-nudity trans-seasonal:
Perfect for those frosty winter mornings.
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