Oh, Fox News host Jesse Watters — you silly, uninformed, sentient bumper sticker, Paul Ryan spore, Fisher-Price abberation of a man. You should’ve known not to mention Beyoncé on-air. Just to speak her name is to invoke her, to breath life into a magicks more powerful and more ancient than the old gods and the new, to put a counterspell into mention that completely undermines whatever Republican non-thought you are currently propagating. In short, you done goofed. Also, sidenote: I dislike your face.
For all of you who aren’t the human equivalent of an ingrown hair and don’t know what I’m talking about: while criticizing Hillary Clinton for criticizing the nightmare that is the Hobby Lobby ruling, Watters, an O’Reilly Factor correspondent, claimed that the former Secretary of State is targeting the “Beyoncé voters.”
And Hillary Clinton, I’m not surprised. This is her bread and butter. This is how she’s going to try to win the White House. This is what she’s gonna go do. She needs the single ladies vote. I call them ‘The Beyoncé Voters’ — the single ladies. Obama won single ladies by 76% last time, and made up about a quarter of the electorate. They depend on government because they’re not depending on their husbands. They need contraception, health care, and they love to talk about equal pay.
It’s not that we love talking about equal pay and contraception and reproductive health care and rape and misogyny and gender-based violence, you dingus. I love talking about Game of Thrones fan theories and Anjelica Huston in the ’70s; I don’t love talking about how my (former) doctor slutshamed me when I requested information on IUDs but I do talk about these things because I have to talk about these things. We have to talk about these things because if we don’t, people like you, i.e. white men who don’t know what they’re talking about, will go around spreading conservative campfire tales as if they’re science fact. Ugh.
Thanks to the Internet, I, and my fellow Beyoncé Voters, no longer have to waste our precious time or words on men like Jesse Watters. Now we can just point them in the direction of a Tumblr dedicated to our cause, one that pairs the immortal words of Queen Bey with images of inspirational political figures like Hillary Clinton and the Notorious RBG:
For more ***Flawless (#Beyoncé) motivation (#KellyRowland), click here.
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