It’s the best of times, it’s the worst of times, it’s the age of wisdom, it’s the age of foolishness. Yep, we’re talking winter fashion in NYC. Or any city really, but nowhere are Michelin Man jackets and sassy Uggs more prominent than outside the Styleite office on Broadway.
One of the worst things about these trying times is that the tourists are gone. Well, most of them anyway. These are now our people, we have only ourselves to blame, and we have a collective responsibility to stop wearing gigantic boots underneath our jeans.
1. Tights and cut-offs
Okay, we’re on the fence about this one, because Alexa Chung does it, and every time we disagree with her we have to cut off one of our fingers and send it to ourselves in the mail. But it’s the diaper-shaped/frayed hem/exposed pockets ones that we’re particularly sick of seeing paired with black tights. Or ever.
2. Michelin Man jackets
You are a woman, or possibly a man. You are not the symbol of the Michelin tyre company. These bulging puffer jackets are nothing more than sleeping bags with arm holes, which means they’re also the creepy Arctic-dwelling uncle of Snuggies.
3. Arm warmers
Who are you, Avril Lavigne? Next thing you’ll be skateboarding in school and making eye contact with people. Arm warmers are not only fugly, they also just make hands and elbows feel and appear even colder than they actually are.
4. Men in fur
Just no. We’re all for men who wear kilts, wash their faces and maybe even rock a subtle cat eye liner (as long as they don’t apply it better than we do). But fur, faux or no, is not A-okay if you’re the proud owner of a Y chromosome.
5. Sassy Ugg boots
Sequins, fur, studs — all a resounding ‘no’.
6. Ugg boots under jeans/trousers
The only thing worse than wearing Ugg boots is wearing them under pants so it looks like you have disfigured Clydesdale feet. It might seem like a good idea to try keep most of the boot hidden, but surprisingly, it isn’t.
7. Literal pajama dressing
Pajama dressing is one of the greatest trends fashionable lazy people ever invented. We live for it, and we live in it. But there’s a line between an oversized silk shirt à la Rashida, and actually just wearing pajamas.
8. Oversized animal head hats with giant flapping ears
This isn’t the wilderness, you are not Bear Grylls, and you don’t need to crawl inside an animal carcass for warmth.
9. Impossibly high heels
An outfit should should invite intrigue in the hearts of passers-by, but never terror. And there are few things scarier than watching someone teeter down a snowy staircase in a pair of Litas.
10. Skinny scarves
Is it a scarf? Is it a necklace? We can’t tell, and it’s really annoying. A golden rule: If it’s knitted, it should be wide enough to use as an oven glove.
11. Peep toe booties
Wearing peep toe booties with stockings does not make them snow-appropriate.