Cosmo’s Terrible First Lesbian Sex Guide: Debunked

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Perhaps taking a page from The New York Times’ mighty, thought-leading tome, Cosmopolitan blazed brave trails today by publishing its first-ever (online-only) lesbian sex guide, entitled “28 Mind-Blowing Lesbian Sex Positions.” The lede promised “sex positions for the lesbians, bisexuals, pansexuals, queers — all the lady-loving ladies in the crowd!”

As you can imagine, the positions are heavy on the alliterative puns and light on the actual variety. It may as well have been titled: “Clits and Nipples are the Only Thing That Matter.” But somebody’s gotta perpetuate the myth that all lesbians do is make out, go down on each other, and gently diddle one another’s clits, and by god, Cosmo will be that force. The positions came complete with illustrations of two thin ladies with straight-girl-hair, costumes, varying skintones, and no nipples enacting them — highly realistic. And most of them boiled down to “rub yourself against a thing that feels good,” which, really, every seventh grader on the planet and Betty Draper have already figured out. Do we really need a guide to teach us how to gyrate against another human in awkward positions to orgasm? Isn’t that just what bodies do in the first place?

Of course, the explanations for these innocent, non-threatening, novice diddlings are hideously complex, so we’re here to provide a translation, or, in the case of positions that are physically unfeasible, assure you that you’re not a failure of human sexuality. If you need a visual aid, the Cosmo positions are linked to their accompanying illustrations, which are also useful if you need to figure out a Halloween costume for next year. I don’t know about you, but I love putting on my Hot Topic cat ears for a quick romp. We begin with:

The Laconic Lounger

How to: Have your partner lie on her back with two pillows under her upper back. Kneel between her legs and draw slow circles around her clitoris with one hand. Use your free hand to massage her breasts, or just have a hot makeout sesh.

Translation: Standard Fingerbang While Lying Down. Don’t try to do stuff with your free hand, because you’re probably going to have to use it to prop yourself up, unless you’re a witch with the power of levitation, in which case you’re having way cooler sex than this anyway.

The Breast Enhancement

How to: Kneel facing your sitting partner and lean in until your nipples are touching. Then rub her clit, either with your hand or with a vibrator, stopping occasionally to kiss her breasts and nipples.

Translation: Standard Fingerbang With Breast Play. Newsflash: rubbing nipples together probably isn’t going to do much for you, folks. All bodies are different, but, on the whole, nipples are a lot less sensitive than you’re imagining, and you can probably be a a bit rougher with your partner’s than butterfly kissing them with your own nipples. You know how dudes in Cosmo are always like “firmer hand jobs! You’re not gonna break it!” Nipples can be like that, too, and you wouldn’t even know it because you’ve been conditioned to think that rubbing your nipples together is a pleasurable sensation.

The Rocket

How to: You know the Beyoncé song that starts, “Let me sit this aaaaass on you”? That’s what you’re going for here. Kneel over her shoulders and let your butt brush against her nipples while she gets intimate with your clitoris.

Translation: Straddle her face. You know what, no. That’s still the dainty way of saying what I mean. Allow me to be clearer: sit on her fucking face. Her hands can go wherever they want to go. Your hands can go wherever they want to go. Sit on her fucking face.

The Double Duty

How to: Have your partner get on all fours with her pelvis tilted up. Kneel over her calves, rubbing your clitoris against her leg. Start by licking her clitoris and vulva, but if she’s up for it move on to anilingus. The contrast will blow her mind.

Translation: Go down on her, but doggy style? This sort of only works if the receiver has a thigh gap. It’s also a super awkward neck angle for the giver. It’s an okay position for a rim job, I guess, if that’s the sort of thing either of you are into. Giver: don’t go out of your way to rub your clitoris on the backs of your receiver’s calves, mostly because that sounds like more unnecessary acrobatics. But if there’s something handy to rub your clit against, by all means, do. As previously stated, the majority of seventh graders have figured out that particular lifehack.

The Kinky Jockey

How to: Have your partner get on all fours, then straddle her hips. Tug on her hair while you rub your clitoris against her tailbone. Getting a little Fifty Shades of Grey is always hot.

Translation: Does rubbing your clit against her tailbone while she’s on all fours feel good? Cool, rub on. Does that feel like nothing? Then just incorporate hair pulling into whatever does feel good. That’s what they’re trying to say.

Defying Gravity

How to: Have your partner sit in a chair (or on the couch). Facing away from her, kneel, straddling her. Bend over so your hips are in the air and touch your hands to the ground for support. Now she has all-access for oral sex.

Translation: No. Your thighs will give out long before you get close to orgasm. Nobody needs to put their face inside you while you’re in downward dog. It’s just not that important. There’s about a thousand other things you can do to achieve “all-access oral.”

The Lazy Girl’s 69

How to: Lie on your sides facing each other’s crotches. Go down on each other — just like a 69, but on your side. You can even rest your head on her inner thigh. Simultaneously getting each other off without the neck strain? Yes, please!

Translation: 69 but lying on your sides, like the lazy pillow queens that you are. This isn’t a lesbian secret, by the by. You can totally lazy 69 during hetero sex, too.

The Passionate Pole Dancer

How to: Sit on a slightly reclined chair with one knee bent up and your foot resting on the edge of the chair. Have your partner straddle your raised leg and grind her clitoris against your thigh.

Translation: Rub your clit against your partner’s thigh.

Back That Ass Up

How to: Have you partner get on all fours and kneel right behind her, grinding your hips against her butt. Reach around and finger her clitoris with one hand (the other is free to help out, engage in some nipple play, or tug on her ponytail).

Translation: Doggy-style Fingerbang. If randomly grinding your hips against her butt feels ridiculous, that’s because it is. Grab a strap-on to elevate to full-on penetrative doggy-style, or just finger her from behind, you weirdo. Also, why does Cosmo think all lesbians have ponytails? NEXT.

Good Cop, Naughty Cop

How to: Kneel right behind your partner, give her a pillow to cushion her head and bend her over so her hips are in the air. If she prefers manual stimulation you can take that route, or gear up with a strap-on and penetrate her doggy style.

Translation: The exact goddamned thing we just said about penetrative doggy-style.

The Tawdry Tire-Swing

How to: Sit on your partner’s lap with your back to her. From here, she can finger you and you can finger her, all while you swing your hips back and forth along her pelvis.

Translation: What? No. You can’t both finger each other AND swing back and forth in this position. Just lie on top of or sit in front of your partner with your back to her and let her reach around to play with your clit. Get some neck kisses while you’re at it. Those are nice.

The Classic Scissor

How to: Have your partner lie on her side and straddle one of her legs so your clits rub together. Grind on. It’s a classic for a reason.

Translation: Poussey Washington saying it in German is saying it better than I ever could.

The Espresso

How to: This position is steamy and intense — maybe even too intense for some. Kneel facing each other with your knees intertwined and your bodies touching. Slowly grind against each other’s thighs while you make out.

Translation: Make out and rub your clits against one another’s thighs in a simul-straddle. BUT WAIT, IT MIGHT BE TOO INTENSE.

The Sexy Spider

How to: Have your partner sit on a chair. Straddle her so you’re facing each other and start with a steamy makeout session. From here she can reach around and penetrate you with her fingers or you can grind your pubic bone against hers.

Translation: Straddle your partner in a chair. Find what feels nice to rub your clit against. Rub against that. If there’s nothing close to touching it, have her touch it with her hands. Have a first aid kid on hand, though, in case ALL THAT MAKEOUT STEAM gives someone second degree burns. Safety first.

The Rockin’ Rockette

How to: Get your legs in the air! Lie on your back and have your partner kneel behind you. From there she can kiss, lick, and suck on your clitoris while penetrating you with her free hand or a dildo.

Translation: Put your legs in the air while your partner goes down on you. This is not a tip, Cosmo, it’s just something you do when you’re old and your hips start to cramp up from being splayed open.

The Wicked Warm-Up

How to: Kneel in front of your standing partner and have her drape one leg over your shoulder while you go down on her.

Translation: Go down on someone while she’s standing up in ways that feasibly make sense for your bodies to fit together.

Tantric Tête-à-Tête

How to: Face each other, sitting, with your legs spread. Use a vibrator on her clitoris or just use your fingers. It’s all about figuring out what really turns the other person on, so try everything, but if she starts making her O-face, don’t stop.

Translation: Have sex with a person.

The Strap-On Sizzle

How to: This position requires a strap-on harness and dildo. Once you’re geared up, enter her missionary style, but let your nipples brush against each other with every thrust.

Translation: Oh thank god, we’re acknowledging the existence of strap-ons, only to advocate MISSIONARY POSITION AND MORE NIPPLE RUBBING. JESUS.

The Bermuda Triangle

How to: Stand behind her and reach around with one hand to finger her. Massage her breast with the other hand, and, if she’s really getting into it, have her play with her other nipple. The trifecta will drive her wild.

Translation: Fingerbang her from behind while standing up. Put all free hands wherever they feel good.

The Belly Dancer

How to: Have your partner lie on her back and sit on her so your clits rub together. Rest your hands on her upper thighs for support while you grind against her.

Translation: No. Nobody’s clits will ever touch this way. Go back to scissoring. And then when that doesn’t work, just rub your clits on whatever. Again.

The Classic 69

How to: Have your partner lie down on her back. Kneel over her head, facing her feet. Stay here if you’re feeling selfish, but if you’re a giver, bend forward and lick, kiss, and suck gently on her clitoris, while she does the same to you.

Translation: 69, if you must. I mean, or you could just sit on her face backwards. But also, none of this is necessary when you can just lay on your sides and have everyone be comfy.

The Erotic Maypole

How to: Stand facing each other and each wrap your left legs around the other person. Hug her close for support while she fingers you.

Translation: The only reason you would ever have for needing to exert this much frustration is if you’re in a bathroom stall and absolutely must fuck right then and there. Otherwise, just wait till you can be in a more comfortable, not-jammed-together position.

The Sultry Spoon

How to: Lie in spooning position behind your partner and reach your top arm over to finger her clitoris. If you want to get in on the fun, have your partner reach back and finger you too. Feel your way around makes it that much hotter.

Translation: Oh my god, just SPOON. Didn’t we do this already? Also, “feel your way around makes it that much hotter” is not only grammatically, but also philosophically incorrect. You know what makes it hotter? Using your eyes, looking at your partner’s vulva, and seeing what the fuck is going on before stumbling around in there like a frat guy in a chinashop. Presumably part of the reason this lady is sexing you and not a man is because you’re going to be less of a dunce when it comes to recognizing her anatomy. I cannot stress this enough: LOOK AT HER VULVA.

The Hot Hair Salon

How to: Kneel behind your (also kneeling) partner and lightly tug on her hair while you reach around and finger her clitoris.

Translation: Fingerbang from behind while hair pulling.

Ride ‘Em Cowgirl

How to: Have your partner lie on her back with a pillow under her hips. Then, facing her, straddle one of her legs and use yours to rub against her clitoris.

Translation: Simultaneously rubbing clits on thighs is what scissoring is trying to be, and the grown-ups call it tribbing. Welcome to the big leagues, baby girl.

The Hot Wrap

How to: Lie on your back and have your partner lie on top of you, also on her back. Reach around and stimulate her clitoris with a vibrator while she plays with her nipples.

Translation: I actually fell asleep because it feels like we keep doing this one. You should be mixing it up more than this groundbreaking Cosmo sex tips slideshow is.

Over the Edge

How to: Have your partner create a bridge, with her upper back on the bed and her feet on the floor. Straddle one of her legs (put your outside knee on the bed and hold her hands for leverage) and grind your pubic bone against hers.

Translation: Oh good, more unnecessary weight suspension. You can hold all your weight on your thighs in power lunge at yoga. Just keep rubbing clits instead of trying this one.

The Bridge to Pleasuretown

How to: Have your partner lie on her back with two pillows under her hips. Kneel between her legs, drape her legs over your shoulders, and go to town.

Translation: Go down on a person with a pillow under her hips. This will make your neck feel like it’s being massaged by angels in comparison to doing it without pillows. This “Bridge to Pleasuretown,” however, leads to nowhere, because this is a bullshit lesbian infrastructure built by Cosmopolitan Magazine.

In conclusion: how many goddamn articles are there on Cosmo about how to put a condom on your man with your mouth, but they can’t spare a single mention of safer sex practices in their first-ever lesbian sex guide? Do we have to do EVERYTHING? Ugh. Okay. Look folks: if you’re not fluid-bonded with your partner, and would like to try any of the above techniques, then put a condom on your dildo, put a glove on your hand, and put a dental dam between your face and her bits.

[Cosmopolitan]

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