Why Sneaky Sneakers With Built-In Wedges Are A Scam

Who wears heels to Coachella?

This morning, Beyonce debuted the video for her new single, “Love On Top,” in which she wears a pair of black high-top sneakers by Ash. We were all pumped to give Queen B a Styleite-approved high-five for the choice of cool kicks, until we realized that this particular pair came with a hidden wedge. A hidden wedge?! This, friends, is what we like to call a scam.

Let’s be clear: we have nothing against heels (though, personally speaking, we’re card-carrying members of the Flats Are Awesome club), but heeled sneakers are a whole different story.

Basically (and I’ll switch to the first person singular here), the idea infuriates me. What is the point of wearing sneakers if they involve a heel?! For normal people, there is no point. For jerks, the point appears to be to look like you’re all cool and casual and wearing sneakers without actually having to, you know, wear sneakers. I know, I know, I just called Beyonce a jerk. Which clearly she isn’t. But all those celebs who wear $725 Isabel Marant sneakers with a built-in wedge? They’re jerks.

Why are they jerks? Because they’re sneaky. They’re cheating the system! For those of us who wear sneakers on the regular, we do it because we love sneakers, because we don’t care about looking taller or making our legs look skinnier, and because we care about how cool our sneakers are! People who wear sneakers with secret, sneaky wedges? They care about looking like they’re wearing sneakers (“I’m so chill and low-maintenance”) but they’re too concerned with making sure their thighs keep a magazine-approved length to width ratio to just wear sneakers.

Gah! The mind! It boggles!

In other words: I have one final thing to say to all the sneaky sneaker wearers out there before my head explodes from frustration: you may think you look cool, but those concealed wedges? They’re only one, itty-bitty, teensy-weensy half-step up from these bad boys. How cool are you now? How cool are you now?

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