Last week we kindly informed you that Alexander Wang is having a sample sale, which starts tomorrow and runs through Saturday. It will have ready-to-wear from Pre-Fall 2012, Fall 2012 and Resort 2013 at 70% off, plus an array of handbags and footwear at 65% off. Yup, it’s going to rather epic, but none of this actually matters if you don’t make it out alive. And if you’ve seen the screencaps from Wang’s recent
bloodbath clothing giveaway, you will not have scoffed at that last sentence.
When it comes to sample sales, it helps to know not only what you’re dealing with but who you’re dealing with. So these are the five kinds of people you will most likely run into if you’re taking your chances this week:
1. The Liquid Freebie Seeker
How do I spot them? This person will enter the building, immediately grab a random selection of merchandise as a prop, then stand in everyone’s way while scanning the room looking for a probably non-existent drinks table. If there isn’t one they will appear increasingly dejected before putting the merch back and pretending to notice a friend standing outside.
What should I do? Choose a random person to be your temporary friend and tell them, loudly, how neighboring Bauble Bar is having a sale with a vodka fountain!
2. The Incognito Editor
How do I spot them? This person will be moving swiftly, efficiently, and not making eye contact. They might even be wearing large designer sunglasses, because ew sample sales. They’ll also look extremely bummed about having to wait in a line, though they know it’s to be expected, and can pick their size using eyes alone – no matter how dark it is under those Prada Baroques.
What should I do? Anything except steal their size or move at a glacial pace.
3. The eBay Seller
How to spot them: This person will be running past racks with their arms outstretched, hauling assorted-size items off the rail like a contestant on Supermarket Sweep. They will be equally un-cunning, and likely to head directly for the larger, cheaper items instead of
AAA batteries wallets and keychains.
What should I do? Point, chuckle scathingly and proceed to the shoe bin.
4. The Communal Dressing Room Perve
How do I spot them? Shifty gaze. Questionable facial hair.
What should I do? Probably alert the authorities, if things are bad enough. Either that or stare them in the eyes and emit the bloodcurdling scream that you imagine to be coming from the mouth of the girl at the top of this page.
5. The Person Who Was at Alexander Wang’s Bloodbath and is Back for Round Two
How to spot them: This person will be sporting two black eyes, semi-healed battle scars that will never fully heal, a neck brace, a house arrest bracelet or some combination of those things.
What should you do? Leave immediately, hands empty and life intact.
If you’re still game, find details here.
Everything You Need to Know About the Alexander Wang Sample Sale
Alexander Wang’s Having a Super Secret Party and You’re Invited (Seriously!)
The 5 Most Insane Stills From Alexander Wang’s Free Clothing Bloodbath