America’s Next Top Model recap Page 1
This is a little awkward. Did you guys watch last night? Did you see it? Did you want that hour of your life back? The finale was about as exciting as my cat sleeping on the heating vent, but with less personality. I caught myself getting distracted by the dust under my radiator, and at one point I pounded two liters of Coke just to get the energy in the room up. Helped for about fifteen minutes, until Chelsey told us again how badly she wants it, and Ann told us again how surprised she is to be there. Well, Ann, that makes two of us. As Tyra would say: “So. Who stays, and who goes? Blink blink.”
ANTM fans, it’s been a while. Sorry about the absence; I was called to Milan suddenly to look after our models and I couldn’t be troubled with recaps when there was consoling, encouraging (and eating) to be done. It’s been a hard road, we’ve lost Liz and Chris and the competition is getting fierce. I can’t handle the pressure anymore (or Miss J.’s whining) so I’m on the next flight back to NYC. Trouble is, I’ve got 210 pounds of extra baggage with me: 200 hundred pounds of model, and, oops, 10 for the pasta Milanese. Now I know what you’re thinking, “Did one of the models gain 100 pounds in Italy, or was it the dreaded double-elimination??” Let’s get to it.
Kendall, bless her Alabaman heart, made us go to Times Square to see the sites. She was really impressed by the rotating lobster, the green spaces, and the AMC flagship. Needless to say, we’re now greasy, smelly, and bed-bug carriers. Gah! Damn you, Kendall and your sense of adventure! Anyway, the 20,000 of us (that’s me, Kendal and the buggies) just finished watching episode eight and we’re ready to recap, starting… now!
Models. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them. Kacey was eliminated last week and true to form, she’ s been chilling at my apartment all week, gearing up for episode seven of ANTM. I’ ll be honest—my week with Kacey was a series of bad decisions that made me sweat. We had some very awkward mixers with the guys downstairs at Nino’s Pizzeria, sexted a bunch of ex-boyfriends, and saw three movies in a row, but only paid for one. It was harrowing and exhausting. I was able to watch some TV in peace. So let’s recap!
Hey guys! Remember Rhianna? Yeah, she was eliminated last week. But guess what. She’s here! Right next to me. She says hello. What’s that? Oh, I’m sorry, she says, more specifically, “What’s happenin, bitches?” She’s had a few too many of her homemade brownies. Anyway, we just finished watching episode five of ANTM and we’re psyched to recap. Right, Ri? Here we go.
When Sara was eliminated last week she packed her bags, but she didn’t go home. She came straight to my 400 square-foot apartment with a pizza and a sleeping bag. We’ve been lying around ever since, watching her eyebrows grow back in and logging on to Vogue.fr, just to piss off Vogue.it. “Take that!” we said with each hit. Then we watched Oprah (instead of The Tyra Banks Show), prank-called some boys, and waited for episode four of ANTM. And alas! It has now come and gone. Just like my “Sara-came-to-my-apartment” fantasy. Sigh. Alone I sit. Let’s recap.
I’ve been sitting here all week waiting for Hurricane Makeover to hit land. I have splinters from boarding up the windows. I have 20 gallons of bottled water sitting in my living room and just as many cans of kidney beans. I’m wearing a life vest, and trust me, orange is not my color. But, Tyra, what gives? You’ve given us yet another benign episode. And it was the makeover episode at that! And we have photos.