38 Things That Don’t Matter Anymore Now That Jersey Shore‘s Ronnie and Sammi Are Over

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First they came for Zac Efron and Michelle Rodriguez, and I did not speak out — because I preferred it when Michelle was the tequila-soaked, vape-pen-burned leather lap blanket draped across Cara Delevingne at various baskeball games and charity dinners. Then they came for Meg Ryan and John Mellencamp, and I did not speak out — because I didn’t even realize they were dating. Then they came for the Jersey Shore’s Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola and Ronnie “Ortiz-” Magro, and there was no one left to speak, because everyone had left to pre-game for the White Party at Karma. (2 for 1 Margaritas, 3 for 5 Rita Oras, All for 1 and 1 For All Body Horrors; girls get in for free before midnight!)

Ronnie, a.k.a. Rahn a.k.a. Ron Ron a.k.a. that animated goiter doing rhythmic squats on the dance floor, told People that after five-years, TV’s greatest romance is officially over. “We were drifting apart and not really spending any time together,” Defective Stretch Armstrong revealed at the premiere of JWoww’s new movie, Jersey Shore Massacre, which is indeed a thing. (Sorry, film students!) Understandably, we are TRAUMAHTIZED. If the couple that publicly broke up more times than The Situation tried to distract us from his Benjamin Button Popeye face by revealing his abs can’t make it work, who can? In this post-Rammi world (Ed’s Note: while we were informed that Sammi and Ronnie never had a portmanteau but instead went by “SamRon,” we feel that “Rammi” is a more fitting moniker for the pair that once bragged they could “smush” in under five minutes), we are unable to look upon the world with the same guileless exuberance. Everything has changed, including these thirty-eight things:

      • Going to the gym
      • Tanning
      • Doing our laundry
      • Making up fun acronyms for quotidian routines
      • Beating the beat
      • Love songs by Cascada (#EverytimeWeTouch #IYellSTAPIt’sOVARanh)
      • The Situation
      • A situation
      • Any situation
      • All situations
      • Monogrammed Coach bags
      • Low rise foldover sweatpants
      • The Shore Store
      • Being the sweetest bitch that anyone will ever meet
      • Flirting with hot cops
      • Being DUN
      • Grenades
      • Land mines
      • Any other small explosive devices
      • Unsigned letters about your significant other cheating on you
      • Family dinners — even if it’s Ravioli Night
      • Whether or not it’s t-shirt time
      • Finding your mattress on the deck, which is where your significant other threw it after you confronted him for cheating on you in Miami. (See: aforementioned anonymous letters.)
      • Juiceheads
      • Gorillas
      • Gorilla juiceheads
      • Flavored-vodka
      • Shots of flavored-vodka
      • Kamikazes
      • Margaritas
      • Daquiris
      • Danny, owner of The Shore Store (actually, he never mattered, let’s be real)
      • Vinny’s pit stains in the first Jersey Shore promo
      • Smushing in The Smush Room
      • How to pronounce Snooki’s name (Snickers, Shnicker, Smoosher)
      • Meatballs (both the kind you eat and the kind that totter around in platform sneakers, smelling like expired juice, parmesan cheese and seaweed.)
      • Where the cabs are
      • The fact that you vowed to never fall in love on the Jersey Shore and then promptly broke that promise to yourself, as well as all written and unwritten rules regarding social etiquette, alcohol consumption, and the frequency with which you can claim to be “OVA IT” and maintain an audience’s attention.

But, as the old saying goes, every Affliction t-shirt has a silver lining and in this case it’s that we’ll finally have Single Ronnie back.
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